Five-Day Forecast 10-30-19
October 30, 2019
My father appears in my dreams at night. I wish that he wouldn’t.
Shortly after dad died in January, my father made occasional appearances in my dreams. My dream life has always been vivid, and I reckoned at the time that my heart and mind were striving to make sense of my loss.
Since then, these dreams have become less frequent but no less powerful.
I’m not mistaken. It’s my father who makes a cameo appearance. He’s the same as I remember him last, well—that is—before his time in the hospital. I can see him clearly. He's wearing khakis, an old belt, and a well-worn plaid shirt. His combed-over hair is wispy, and he's going on a two-day beard. Dad doesn’t seem to have much to say, and I am both nonchalant about his presence and strangely aware that my late father has shown up uninvited in my dream.
You’d think that I would be pleased by the sight of my father. Some of my friends have even said that I should be thankful for a glimpse of him. And at a profound level, it is good to see my father. But here’s the thing. There is a moment just as I am waking up where I am unsure what is real and what is fantasy. I’m stuck in an alternate universe where I don’t know which world I inhabit.
And then reality hits me with the force of a blow to my head. Dad was alive only in my dreams. He is dead. And in that but briefest of moments, he has died all over again.
So, no. I’m not fond of these moments. Dad’s trespassing in my slumber haunts the day I wake up to.
Sunday is All Saints Day. It is the day where we remember those who have gone before us to life-eternal in the year since the previous All Saints Day. I’ve always found the day to be moving, but I’ll confess with sadness that I do not relish sharing my father’s name in the service where we remember those who have died. Like any of us who experience loss, I feel cheated out of time with my loved one. I don’t want to remember my father. I want to spend time with him here.
The old hymn, “For All the Saints,” captures best the purpose of the day. It has a rousing, triumphant tune. The lyrics speak of God’s power and strength in the lives of those who now help to make up that great cloud of witnesses. The song serves as a toast to those we loved and to those we now miss. All Saints Day is, I think, about the lives of the faithful and the God who made them who they were. The practice of acknowledging All Saints Day is a way for us to continue the fight of coping with the losses that we have accumulated along the way. In doing so, we can find solace and
consolation knowing that life means loss and that in Christ Jesus loss will be redeemed one day.
James Morrison is a singer-songwriter from England. His song, “In My Dreams,” resonates with me, especially as it challenges my current place in my grief. The song is about the songwriter’s father.
Since you've gone Nothing seems to fit no more And nothing's as it was before
Everyday Is a battle that I just can't win I know I won't see you again
But, I keep waiting for the night I close my eyes and hope you'll find me sleeping
'Cause in my dreams We can spend a little time just talking In my dreams We're side by side just walking
Oh, I think of the times we used to know The places we used to go Are still there In my dreams On the front of the crossbar of your bike We can go anyplace, anywhere you like In my dreams
And as hard as it seems Till then I'll wait To see you again In my dreams
In one of my most recent dreams, dad and I were driving together. Seemingly oblivious to my father’s death, I look over at him and say to him with the innocence of the blithely unaware, “We haven’t spoken in some time.”
No, we haven’t. And I mourn that loss. I don’t want to see dad in my dreams. I want to see him here, in real life, and in real-time. I do know, however, that today is not forever and that my memories are but a taste of what is to come in light of the Kingdom of God.
While we wait for that moment and for that day, why don’t we raise a glass and toast the God who gave us the gift of the people we have loved and lost.